Mister and Missus Deity
by Twisted Fate MK 2
Summary: (Crack Fic with Mika) Two gods decide to visit Remnant to go on vacation.


**Mika~ So, this is the product of too much sugar (In my case) And Twisted Egging me on because he considered it a good idea.**

 **Twisted ~ Oi, I support my friends. S'what I do. However, as a note, we will be focusing on Telepathy after this due to the massive number of followers. So don't expect much.**

 **Mika~ 'But Twisted, is (Another story) going to be canceled?'**

 **Twisted ~ No hypothetical reader, just delayed.**

 **Mika~ They were pleasant.**

 **Twisted ~ As you can see, Mika is in a rather hyper, excitable mood.**

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Wives, submit to your husbands as the Lady does to her Lord.' Seriously? Did you write that, or did I? Because if I wrote that while drunk I'm never drinking again. Why is this so hard? You had one job." Luna grumbled angrily, leaning on the pedestal in front of her.

The speaker and another figure stood in front of a small pool which sat inside of a raised pedestal, a view of Remnant shimmering in the unnaturally still water. Beside them on one wall was a massive library, filled with ancient-looking books, scrolls and texts which had been lost to eternity long ago. On the other wall, long-extinct fish and sea-based mammals from a multitude of realms gleamed and sparkled beautifully as they swam through the large fish-tank, and a Plesiosaur swam past, filling the view of the tank for the briefest of moments. A small seam separated one wall from another, where the well-lit ocean's depths showed jellies and lantern-fish swimming peacefully, the division existing to keep the animals in their respective 'eras'. If one were to look on each side of that tank, even to the other tank, only black water would be seen.

The two in question were male and female, the latter named simply Luna who had once upon a time created the Faunus. Owing to this, she had two lupine ears, black as the darkest night, that matched up perfectly with the thin, ornate looking 'circlet' of the same color as her ears and hair, the circlet coming to a head with a piece that rested on her forehead and held a single, large white opal. Her gown, for she favored the looser, lighter fabric, was a contrast of an almost snowy white, bordered at the neck, elbow, shoulder and lower hem in gold spiraling around with black. Hanging from her neck was a silver necklace with a smooth, blue gem that would later be named Dust fixed in the center and two matching tear-drop earrings. When one would look at her face, they would see eeie, almost frightening, glowing orange eyes which seemed to glow almost as though a fire burned behind them.

Her opposite, maker of Humanity and Grimm alike - both merely out of boredom - was the male of the duo. He wore something of human invention which he quite liked, a simple black suit, like one would often see Human business men wear into their offices. Also unlike his companion, he preferred darker clothing and wore all black, so that were he in a dark room you would not be capable of seeing him. owing to his creation of the Grimm, who bore his mask as a symbol of his creation, he wore a smooth, almost featureless mouth which had three holes, two eyes and a mouth in the shape of a smile. Purposefully opposing his companion, he had bright white hair, almost glaringly so, that hung past his shoulders loosely.

"What fracking job was this, and did you give it to me before or after you platypussed the Faunus?" Zero asked angrily, reaching up to run his hands though his hair," Not my circus, not my monkeys, far as they are concerned."

"Not you, everyone! Remember the one, big rule we gave the races? The one thing that we told them?" Luna huffed, turning to look at the other deity tiredly," Or did you forget again?"

"Don't be a dick, generally. I'm not that short on memory, Luna. Close, but no potato." Zero offered simply, and she nodded simply.

"Yeah. They had one job. And then they… ARGH! ONE. FUCKING! JOB! Why is it so hard not to be an asshole to everyone?" Luna took another look and groaned," Oh for fuck sake, who cares if they're gay or have adorable ears, they AREN'T HURTING YOU!"

"You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up…" The masked deity teased, and would have smiled had he a mouth to use to do so.

"Yes, I fucked up. I get that… No wonder you're the God of Humans… Bit of an ass, you are." She chided him gently, no fire in the comment after such a long time dealing with him.

"Oi, not my fault I lost the damned bet… 'Sides, I like them now, they're fun to watch." Zero defended, uncaring about the minor barb from the other god.

"You mean threw the bet because I wanted fox ears and a tail and the thought of those all over the place drove you nuts? Yeah." Luna teased, flicking her own tail in a way to demonstrate what she meant.

"Damnit, it's not my fault that's the best idea either of us have had, for very good reason!" He seemed to pout slightly, shoulders drooping a little bit," You're mean."

"… The faunus were not a mistake. The Grimm, yes. Faunus? No, not even slightly." Muna muttered to herself, electing to ignore her partner's mutterings.

"I win again~" Zero self-congratulated, giving himself a quiet high-five and ignoring the light glare Luna tossed him.

"Either way, I didn't write that. You didn't either. OOOHHH! There's an updated version... " Luna opened the book, beginning to read the 'Sacred text' which had been attributed to them, even if the writers didn't know who they were.

"Is it better?" Zero asked calmly, crossing his arms over his chest," Or do I need to start smiting? Maybe make a few more Grimm types?"

"Suffer not a Grimm to live.' No argument here… 'Husbands, respect your wives as yourself. Wives, respect your husbands as yourself.' Huh, so they aren't sexist anymore..." (Luna)

"Hey now, those fuckers are cool, I worked hard on those fluffy killing machines. Dicks..." Zero defended, being rather proud of his creation of the Grimm. He'd been entirely original when he conceived them and made them, and liked them quite a great deal.

"Zero, be nice. Remember, you made them by mistake. Oh, problem. 'Faunus, respect your Human masters.' Are they endorsing… Slavery in our names? If they weren't dead I would smite them..." Luna snarled angrily, glaring at the text in her hands in a repulsed, disgusted way.

"Keep your smite hand strong, hon." Zero said in a sagely voice, nodding his head at the great wisdom he thought he'd shown.

"And now the humans have started a war against Faunus… You wanna help them?" Luna asked quietly, glaring at the pool in dissatisfaction.

"Oh! Sounds fun! Can I start smiting?" Zero asked excitedly, walking up to the pool and peering into it searchingly.

"Wait a while, we'll hit the humans if they continue. Who knows, we might get them to stop. Although… I might do it myself." Luna chided, wagging a finger at him impatiently," Just relax a minute."

"...Who said anything about hitting them? I just wanna smite someone, it's fun to watch them freak out when I do." Zero explained simply, pouting once again," It's so boring here, lemme have some fun."

"I meant smite the humans. Let's give them some time…" Luna watched and waited. For the Faunus, two long years passed in the span of a few moments. "They aren't stopping, so smite away. Keep it subtle."

"So blow up a city?" Zero asked, cracking his knuckles in anticipation," Whatcha thinking?"

"No. Drop a few diseases on them or something. Subtle, Zero, be subtle." Luna sighed, looking at her over-animated friend," You're so excitable sometimes…"

"That's boring though…." Zero whined, pouting yet again and looking at her sadly," Lemme have fun, Luna."

"Fine then, I'll do it myself." Luna grumbled, glaring at him," Lazy bastard…"

"Kay~" ~ Zero

Luna bit her lip in concentration as she smiled, an idea popping into her head as she gave a human General the idea that they were superior to the faunus in every way and that they should ambush the faunus at one of their forts, Fort Castle. "Annnnddd… Now they're praying for us to help them against the Faunus? Seriously, do they not see the horde of Grimm they're making?... Medammit!" Luna cursed as her hands went to her human ears.

"What's wrong?" Zero asked boredly, not really caring about the answer but asking to keep her from being mad at him for not doing so.

"Lost an earring in the Pool again…" She muttered sadly, she quite liked her earrings.

"Didn't the humans start fighting back against the Grimm using the gems in your earrings last time this happened?" Zero asked curiously, he quite liked some of the weapons they had made with the material. They were interesting, to say nothing else.

"Yeah… And now the Faunus are praying for peace." Luna sighed, tossing the second earring into a place where Faunus gathered a lot of the time. "Peace it is, then, though I can only keep it for so long…" Luna gave a small, forlorn smile as she watched the recovering Faunus, but then frowned as the racism started anew from the Humans. Honestly, she had grown to expect it by now. She smiled when she saw a small but ever-growing source of faunus and humans joining together for peace. The White Fang. With a movement of her finger, the White Fang's armband appeared around her arm, a sorrowful wolf that craved support. "Zero, your humans are messing things up again. Another war is beginning. You know what? You have permission to kill the Colorless's general. I don't care how, just make it happen."

"... Totally giving him cancer. I don't like him. Also, they aren't my Humans." Zero pouted once again," Meany."

"I meant something a bit more sudden. Like Lightning." Luna smile, hoping he'd jump on the prospect and she wouldn't need to kill. She disliked killing anyone, while Zero enjoyed it to an extent.

"I can do that! Definitely! Sending a storm that way now, should be dead in about an hour." Zero chuckled, and sighed," Had to wait, he's fucking some chick right now. Don't wanna zap both."

"Willing or unwilling?" She asked curiously and worriedly.

"Unwilling, but doesn't much matter. Lighting would kill her in any event anyway." Zero shrugged, looking at her calmly," What's worse, an unwelcome screw or death by getting tazed?"

"Well, let's do her a bit of help. No children for her from him, a nice, pleasant man for a husband… and she gets to watch him burn. We're setting him on fire now." Luna tossed in confidently, smiling in satisfaction.

"Dayumn, someone is mad. I like this side of you, it's fun!" Zero laughed happily before trailing off," Do Faunus like seeing people burn? I'd think it would upset her."

"The man who just raped her getting his comeuppance by lightning as soon as he steps out the door?"

"Meh, your call, hon. Your call." Zero offered offhandedly," He'll be dead soon enough."

"Yep. I'm going to let him live- for a while. He won't die by lightning, but he will die today." She smiled sadistically, and Zero nodded approvingly.

"Hey, What's an SDC?" He asked after a moment or two, in a happy enough mood after roasting the asshole.

"I don't know. Did someone make it?" Zero shrugged, focusing in on it and showing it to her. "Looks like it's a new company. Schnee Dust Company… Here's hoping they're decent people."

"I, uh, don't think so… Check out their factories, hon." Zero said simply, excited to see her reaction," You might be interested."

Luna blinked as she saw the workers, a small twitch formed on the corner of her lips as she saw how they were treated. "Zero. Are those Faunus?"

"Yep." He said, popping the 'P' sound brightly.

"... And are they dying for little to no pay?"

"Looks like it." He said, looking at her expectantly. "At least they aren't slaves?"

"Their company scrip is worthless outside their shops. They might as well be."

"Yeah. Rather clever way to keep them under their thumbs, honestly. Gotta give 'em that." Zero offered simply, shrugging once again," Whatcha wanna do?"

"...Screw it. Cancer for the CEO, heart attack for this guy. Death for everyone! I need a vacation…" Luna threw her arms up in the air, turning and starting to pace the floor behind Zero.

"What kinda vacation?" Zer asked amusedly, going about her orders dutifully with a happy humor.

"One where I don't have to deal with this… Bullshit! Century after century, decade after decade…" Luna paused as an idea occurred," How about we take a vacation on Remnant?"

"On… Remnant? Like that one time we made fake bodies and went for a visit, and you yelled at me for bringing a Faunus chick back?" Zero asked curiously, chuckling at the memories.

"I wasn't angry about her. I was angry about the fact that she was pregnant!" Luna snapped angrily, glaring at him again.

"...I'm not apologizing." Zero defended, crossing his arms and pouting. "'Sides, she was fun."

"...If you want me to, I can resurrect her. She probably is bored of Heaven." She offered politely, smiling at the deity lightly. "I had a kid too, once upon a time."

"...Maybe when we get back from vacation." He answered simply, shrugging.

"Oh? She suddenly isn't fun anymore?"

"No, she still is… Just wanna keep the options open, in case I find another one."

"Everyone- this is Zero, he's your god. He's also a playboy." Luna said to a fake audience with an exaggerated curtsy.

"Oh just do the thing…" Zero muttered sourly, glaring at her lightly.

"Alright then… First off, Parents. I know who I want." Luna muttered mostly to herself, smiling and leaning over the Pool to peer into it.

"You do tend to love irony, you little psychopath." Zero teased, laughing at her happily." Though even I think this one funny."

" I try. Next up, species. Should be apparent…" Luna muttered, shrugging and smiling thinly.

"Yes, yes, you'll end up having a nice tail…" Zero chuckled, resting the ace of his mask in his hand.

"And semblance… Well… What do you think fits me?" She gestured at herself with a wave, looking to her companion for advice.

"...The ability to annoy with a single look?" He chuckled again at his own joke, smiling.

"Funny. I can make you female, you know that, right?" She glared at him and he shrugged, uncaring about her threat.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't. Giving *me* tits? Is that really smart? Do you want me to ever do anything?" Zero laughed, and tilted his head to the side in his semblance of a smile.

"Who said you would have tits? Or be fertile, for that matter. You'd forever be a loli."

"...I see no problem here." He deadpanned at her, smiling internally at her again. "You can't win, hon. You can't win."

"...Loli. Acually… Hyperfertile loli." She glared at him and he shuddered, shaking his head no on impulse.

"Oh fuck you, you evil woman. Stop bullying me." He murmured, pouting again.

"No, but seriously… Want to be a woman? With normal fertility?"

"... Dunno." He muttered, actually silenced by the prospect. A rare prospect throughout the eons of their lives.

"I will make you see our side one of these decades…" She muttered, sing-song.

"What side? Never met a woman that disliked my side." He laughed brightly again, his moment of stunned silence lost immediately.

"A faunus woman's side, of course." She sang lightly, excited over the idea to go down to the planet for a vacation.

"My statement stands. Only problem I've ever had is where to put the tail when I-"

"Me, man! Too much information!" She waved her hands erratically to cut him off, ignoring his laughter.

"Hey now, you asked." He shrugged, chuckling quietly," And be fair, you know those tails get in the way on occasion."

"Name one situation that that happens." She asked simply, and immediately regretted it.

"Well one time, me and that chick I mentioned a while back wanted to-" Luna cut him off again and he chuckled.

"S-shut up!"

"Okay, that time you actually asked, Luna. That one is all on you." He cracked up, clutching his side as he laughed at her and his ribs began to ache. "Can we get on with this? Gimme tits or gimme a dick, or to hell with it and gimme both. Don't care."

"Wow… You're serious? Alright then. Prepare to have your drinks bought for you." She smiled after a moment, when the stun of it wore off.

"Why would that be a problem? I love drinks." Zero chuckled, gesturing at himself indicatively and chuckling.

"Let's go then." She smiled.


End file.
